Riches of My Soul

Dear Emmeline,

2010-05-27T22:17:00.001-07:00

Today was day 2 of single-child-hood. You're still lovin' it, and still asking far too many question.

It was a productive day though, with getting product photography done for my Etsy shirts. I'm not sure if poses like this should make me proud or ashamed or something in between. Where in the world did you ever learn this?

Not from me, I can assure you, although I am guilty of occasionally saying "Work it, work it!". It's part of my job as a photographer, you know?

On a positive note, sample Fourth of July shirts are stitched, photographed and soon to be loaded and I have you my dear to thank for that! You're such a wonderful little helper, complete with decorating the wagon to perfection.

Something tells me that the brothers aren't going to be nearly as cooperative when it's their turn to "Work it, work it".

I love you my princess.

Dear Emmie,

2010-05-26T23:03:00.000-07:00

What a fun day we had today... I think you could get used to some one on one time with Momma every so often! With the oldest 3 off fishing with Dad and Hudson spending time with Brump and Sue, you had the stage all to yourself.

I've got to be honest...

I didn't realize that you asked so many questions!!!!! I think having a bunch of siblings to field an occasional question has somewhat skewed my perception.

You are such a curious little thing!

During our errands today, I admit to a bit of trickery to turn your attention away from the relentless questioning. This pinwheel did the trick. It was pure magic when we got home and you took it out to the sandbox and occupied you for no less than two hours. Not bad for $1!

I love you like crazy. Why? Because you're so stinking cute.

xoxo,
Momma

Dear Friends,

2010-05-25T11:05:00.000-07:00

If you have a moment and you feel so inclined, would you mind leaving a comment of support or a "like" here?

After much prodding from my sister and her friend, I have entered a photo into Joby's "Dad in His Natural Habitat" photo contest.

They'll choose 10 people to win one of their amazing GorillaPods based on the following criteria:

"Winners will be chosen for best composition, subject matter and aesthetics. Popularity will be a factor - the number of times an image is "liked" will be taken into consideration."

Can I just tell you how long I've wanted one of these?

And without further ado, here is the photo that I entered:

So will you do it? Will you like me?

xoxo

Dear Kids,

2010-05-24T22:57:00.000-07:00

It will be a long time before I forget the fun we had today... Today was the day that you got to cash in your coins for your scripture studying and we took the much anticipated bus ride down to Boise State for a round of bowling.

Remember how when we first got down to the bus stop, you were all so eagerly awaiting the bus inside of the little shelter? Remember how I kept freaking out that it was far too close to the road, even though Dad was standing right next to the shelter, assuring me that he wouldn't let any of you out of the shelter?

But then the bus was late and the fun of waiting for the bus came to an end and we had to look for other ways to amuse ourselves.

Until you finally all just plopped down on the grass to wait while watching the cars drive past.

And then the bus finally came and we were really excited to find out that in addition to being FREE because Dad and I have a Boise State ID, you guys were free as well. I happen to think that the bus driver just thought we were quite possibly the most normal crowd on the bus, so he let you ride for free just for the novelty of the whole thing.

I used the time on the bus wisely and grabbed a picture of the toothless wonder. Corban's been losing them like they're going out of style lately.

We finally made it to Boise State for bowling, where Austin met us. Aus - I was a little bit nervous about you riding the bus from Brump and Sue's house all by yourself, but you handled it with no problem. I'm proud and sad, all in the same moment.

And then we bowled, to various degrees of success.

And then Emmeline was so tired out from all of THIS action:

that she fell asleep on my lap on the way home. I couldn't help but wonder if it would be the last time that she will fall asleep with her head on my chest, and then I was sad and happy, all at the same time. That happens a lot to me lately.

$1.50 bowling + free shoe rental + free bus adventure = 5 happy kids

And now I've stayed up too late to write this... I intended to sleep much sooner, but when it's quiet, I think of the twins. Maybe because Austin rode the bus by himself today or maybe because Em's getting too big to fall asleep in my lap, but I think of the babies and I cry for what we're missing. So I finish today's story instead of sleeping, so that I can be reminded that even though unemployment stinks and my heart still hurts, I have a very full and beautiful life because of your Dad and the five of you.

Thank you Hudson for always having something on your face, thank you Austin for being so responsible, thank you Sara Jane for being such a wonderful and creative big sister, thank you Corban for that jack o'lantern smile that makes me laugh, thank you Emmeline for stretching my imagination with such deep and provocative questions as "Why da sun can't be shaped wike a heart?". I love you little turkeys.

xoxox

Dear Mom,

2010-05-24T21:58:00.001-07:00

I sure do love you and I don't even mind being your own personal sweatshop for those cute little bags that you're taking to your quilt guild bazaar, but we're going to have to talk about the hurricane that is also known as you lining up fabrics for the applique work.

On a lighter note, I am loving the flip flop applique and therefore finished up the rest of the bags in various combinations of flip flop fabric finery. You'll love them. Now come get them and your hurricane off of my kitchen table.

I love you.

Dear Austin,

2010-05-22T10:53:00.000-07:00

I know that you won't understand this now, but when you're grown and have children of your own, you'll know how much it means to a parent to see a moment like this:

Who knows what time you were all up and at it on this morning, because it was fairly early in the day that I found you all out back in various stages of pajamas and clothes. When I peeked out the window and saw that you had engaged everyone in a rousing game of musical chairs, I wanted to cry... Not because I was sad, but because I was so very proud of you. It means so much to me to watch you play with the kids. Can you see how much they love you? It's almost as much as I love you, my big baby boy.

You'll go so far in life Austin. I know that you'll find happiness because you already know that the secret is to create happiness for those around you. I've seen that what you've learned from the unemployment is that the only thing you can count on at the end of the day is the gospel and your family's love. What more do you need?

How I desperately wish that you weren't 14. I hope that we've had enough time... I wish that I had all the days in the world to keep you here as my son, because I love you so much. I remain convinced that motherhood is the only work in the world where if you are doing a good job, your heart breaks a little more each day.

I love you.

- Mom

Dear Corban,

2010-05-16T23:30:00.000-07:00

Remember when we went to the zoo this week and you decided to study the snow leopard? As I watched you write down your observations, I caught a brief reminder of how special you are - how studious, curious and bright your mind is.

I am so proud to be your mom.

Back to Blogging

2010-05-16T21:26:00.000-07:00

But shaking things up... I don't want to blog for others, I don't want to blog for recognition, I don't want to blog for profit. I want to blog to celebrate the ordinary things that make up this mostly beautiful life of mine. I want to blog for my kids, I want to blog for recording our own personal history, I want to blog to continue healing and growing.

Big News

2010-03-02T21:11:00.000-08:00

No, I'm not expecting. I do have a new addition in my near future though.

I've been a photographer for a very long time. A film photographer in high school, a digital photographer when my children were born.

And then, photography saved me.

After we lost the girls and life went on around me, I was in a very, very dark place. I recently described it as feeling as if I had fallen into a well, with slick sides that I just couldn't pull myself out of. I knew that I had to, I simply had to get up and keep going but I didn't quite know how. On those days, I just took out my camera, knowing that with life being so overwhelming, I could find beauty in a photograph. I knew that I could head out with my camera and find something to take a photo of. Then I would take that photo home and purposefully find something beautiful about it.

It was so elemental and organic. The moment was magically stopped for me and I could digest it and pour over it until that little section of life made sense to me again. And the next day I would get out of bed and have at it all over again. It kept me going.

And here's where that journey has taken me in the past year.

To the sidelines of Boise State football games, shooting for a local magazine. Sure, I did it for free this year, but the networking has been amazing and hopefully will translate into a paying job next season.

To a place where I'm more confident in my photography.

To where I am now - ready to start accepting portrait clients!

It is going to be a very slow process (as if it hasn't been already), but I wanted to get to a point where I was consistently turning out images that I was very proud of and that didn't rely on Photoshop.

I'm going to be spending the next couple of months building my portfolio (and still not making money), but I'm so proud of where I'm at.

Happy Birthday Hudson

2010-02-08T22:41:00.001-08:00

My Sunshine Boy,

I am so blessed to be your mommy. There's nothing I love more in this world than your sticky kisses and super hugs. Please be my baby boy forever. You are very, very special.

xoxo

Look at that beautiful header!!!!

2010-02-07T13:39:00.001-08:00

Thank you, thank you my friend Rhonda! The gorgeous little header was a wonderful surprise and I couldn't love it anymore than I do. Red just makes me SO happy!

xoxoxo

My Baby Girls....

2010-02-05T09:53:00.000-08:00

It's been one year since you left us, and I miss you.

Photo from my friend Christina, who so generously offered to trek to the beach for me.

Be Mine?

2010-02-03T20:04:00.000-08:00

We're rapidly approaching the one year anniversary of the day we lost our baby girls. So very sad.

In order to cheer my spirits, I decided to tackle a Valentine's Day themed photo shoot with the kids.

Even though they are rapidly growing tired of being my guinea pigs, they were very patronizing.

The Explorer

2010-01-29T20:22:00.000-08:00

Today we had to head down to the Boise State bookstore to grab another textbook for Scott and because she had irritated absolutely everyone in the house, it was unanimously voted by her siblings that Emmeline would be coming with us.

She insisted on bringing her telescope. You can imagine the awesomeness of a toilet paper roll on a college campus, right?

I ♥ Faces {Texture}

2010-01-25T09:27:00.001-08:00

Smooth is definitely a texture, right? Can you see the faces? Head over to I Heart Faces to see more.

Reindeer Shirts Galore!

2009-12-22T20:29:00.000-08:00

When I was a teenager, my mom started a yearly tradition of having all 5 of her sibling's children over to do Christmas Crafts. It was always a day that my younger cousins looked forward to, and even now as adults, they still remember fondly.

Now that I'm an aunt, I want to make those types of memories for my niece and nephews. About 2 months ago, I saw the cutest ever reindeer shirt on a blog. I desperately wish that I could remember whose idea it was because I would love to give them credit, but my mind is like a sieve. If you know where this idea originated, leave me a comment so that I can link up to the original.

This is what we accomplished with some brown scrap fabric and some $2 shirts from WalMart today:

I wish that my impromptu photography session had gone as easily as the shirts did, but that's what happens when you single handedly try to photograph 9 children - 8 of whom are 10 and under. I really could have used another adult!

Here's a better view of the shirt on my ever ready to strike a pose Emmeline:

Thanks for the fun Nathan, Allie, Pierson and Jackson! Your Aunt Criss loves you very much.

xoxo

M.I.A.

2009-12-01T18:18:00.000-08:00

My poor neglected blog and my poor neglected blogging friends...

I am ashamed of my bad self.

Somewhere between August and December, life got a little bit out of hand. First there was the chaos of going back to school full-time, teaching school for the kids full-time and trying to manage a large family on unemployment full-time. Notice those are three full-time jobs.

Somewhere between October and November I had a bit of a breakdown because everything had become overwhelming. I was succeeding very well in school, but I was desperately failing in the most important areas of life.

The kids were beginning to resemble a pack of wild dogs because oftentimes they were left to fend for themselves, under the direction of our 14 year old. The times that they had me home, I was demanding - their attention to their schoolwork (which I was cramming in), their cooperation with tending their siblings while I was gone, their help with neglected chores, needing them to entertain themselves so that I could finish homework from school.

My poor husband was frustrated and running on empty because his responsibilities took him from a very early morning part-time job, to full-time school, to homeschool, to running a home and a family. I once thought to myself that we needed an extra wife and mother around here...

And then I realized that in my desperation to fill my broken heart with something, I turned away from the ones who were already there. It was time for some serious reflection.

Which brings us to December. And here I am, blogging for ME, because it helps me to sort things out - to objectively look at my circumstances. I feel like I have actually hit emotional rock bottom. It is so hard to raise a family on unemployment - I am smiling as I say this to keep a good attitude, but it's just plain hard. It is so difficult to face the holidays not having any idea how I am going to put presents under the tree. It is so difficult to feel as if I've failed my children.

I think I've made peace with some things... I have to continue school because we are relying on the student health insurance instead of overpriced COBRA, but next semester I've resolved to take only online classes. I want to continue with homeschooling the 4 school age kids because I have felt strongly that it's the right thing to do. I need to be more prepared to support my Scott because he carries even more than I do.

So that's where I've been! Can you just feel it now?

But, it hasn't all been terrible. I have so many fun and wonderful stories and photos to share with you. How we're friends with Boise State football players who come to our house to play, how we suffered the first stitches in my long and distinguished mothering career, how I've become a published photographer, how amazing homeschooling has been, how much I love my family, how we went to Salt Lake City and had our SUV break down with no idea how we were going to get back home - just typical Crissie adventures.

I'll share those soon. xoxo

I ♥ Faces, uh I mean - Tooshies!

2009-11-29T20:30:00.000-08:00

They're changing things up over at "I ♥ Faces" this week and decided to do something totally out of the box and feature TOOSHIES! It was too fun to pass up.

Our five year old Hudson last spring:

Now go here to marvel at the creativity of some wonderful photogs.

2009-08-17T19:22:00.000-07:00

I ♥ Faces - Bubbles

2009-08-16T21:52:00.000-07:00

Corban and Hudson sneaking in a bit of bubble time at our park before a summer thunderstorm hit. I can't tell if Hudson is more impressed with brother's bubbles or the approaching storm.

Now hurry on over to I ♥ Faces and check out all of the other fabulous entries!

*Thank you in advance for your comments. I try to return every single one.*

xoxoxoxo

Tuesdays Unwrapped

2009-08-04T08:54:00.000-07:00

Giving way to my preconceived notions of perfection and instead trusting in the creativity of a child.

With an upcoming "bubbles" photography challenge, my mind has been busy thinking about what I wanted to accomplish that would be different from other entries and the other night, I took the kids down to our park to do some initial experimentation.

Needless to say, something about having fun with bubbles and mom telling you exactly how to blow a perfect bubble for her photography don't go hand in hand in a child's mind. (What was I thinking??)

So my conception of creative gave way to some kids who really just wanted to have fun and discover on their own and I relented. Corban worked his way over to the pond where he could watch himself blowing the bubbles in the reflection of the water.

And he soon yelled with excitement, "LOOK MOM! The bubble stops in the water and I can SEE myself in the bubble!". How is that for creative?

No, I haven't given up on my creative idea (I'm not entirely reformed). We just need a thunderstorm free evening to accomplish it. I am certainly glad, however, that I threw in the towel the other night and just had fun experimenting with Corban.

I ♥ Faces - My Story In Photos: summer edition

2009-08-03T11:40:00.000-07:00

The summer of 2009 went something like this...

The kids would tell you that I drug them all over town and abused them as guinea pigs to practice my photography skills in hopes of one day growing up to become a REAL photographer. We discovered all kinds of new places, like a local wheatfield, a cool sculpture on the college campus, an abandoned barn and a pond in our subdivision. They now all groan if we're out for a drive and I screech to my husband that we need to pull over so that I can investigate an interesting spot.

Corban and Hudson played t-ball on the same team, to varying degrees of success.

We toured Bronco Stadium and the kids even got to play on our beloved blue turf!

We tried to find ways to stay cool.

We enjoyed free minor league baseball games and cheap cotton candy (an unexpected benefit of umemployment).

We ate plenty of chocolate chip cookies and created lots of treasured artworks (sometimes simultaniously - that takes skill).

We celebrated our country:

Now head on over to I ♥ Faces and tell me how you spent your summer!

IT'S HOT!

2009-08-02T14:45:00.001-07:00

What else is there to do but play in the sprinklers?

Unbelievably Generous

2009-08-02T10:51:00.000-07:00

Remember the Madsen bike that I not so attractively coveted for most of the summer? We won't even go into the ugly cry that resulted when I didn't win their contest, even though so many of you clicked your little fingers off linking to their website for me. The ensuing meltdown was not one of my better moments, but it wasn't actually about the bike... It was just letting off some really raw emotions that had been building for most of 2009. Between the loss of our main income and the loss of our twins, let's face it -this year has been a little bit stinky.

Yes - the bike is super cool and as Emmie would say "beautiful AND awesome", but I wanted it for practical reasons too. Scott and I are both going back to school full-time in a couple of weeks and we have some little ones to be dragging around campus and exchanging between classes. Have you seen college campus parking my friends? They'd never make it if they had to walk. Of course we have a bike trailer, but navigating that through a packed campus would be disasterous. The Madsen bike seemed to solve that problem by enabling us to fit 4 kids and books into the great little bucket built onto the bike frame but the price tag is so far out of the budget of an unemployed family that I knew winning their contest was my only hope for getting one for school.

After the big meltdown my dear, sweet, thoughtful friends from Fabulessly Frugal did something unimaginable... In addition to being the sole reason that we can survive on unemployment (thanks to their couponing strategies, my grocery budget is at $600 a month for 7 people) they decided to do something incredible. They cleaned their closets, their garages, their neighbor's garages and worked hours and hours and more hours in the sweltering heat to put on their first ever "Pay It Forward" garage sale. They baked cookies, priced garage sale items, set up tables and worked incredibly hard for days to put on a successful benefit sale.

And they did all of that for me.

Not because my family is necessarily needy - we have been able to keep our comfortable home despite having no full-time job, but simply because they wanted to do something NICE for a friend who has had a difficult year.

My heart has been warmed, my wild smile hasn't left my face since the garage sale yesterday. Guess what this crazy family is going to be pedaling around the college campus is a few weeks?

Except for that mine is going to be black at the request of my sweet husband, who didn't really want to be pedaling the powder blue bike across Boise State when we switch off child care duties. Although beautiful, he didn't think the pale blue was particularly manly.

But get this... The yard sale so far exceeded their expectations that my FAB friends are going to be able to send off an incredible donation to a local family whose father had been diagnosed with cancer and who needs to travel for further treatment. Now that is a worthy family.

Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am truly blessed to call you my friends.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

PS - Scott wants to know if you'd be offended if he paints flames on the bucket? ;)

Bubble Fun

2009-08-02T10:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we went down to our park to bounce around a few ideas for an upcoming photography challenge. A couple of successes, a couple of failures (time to read up on ISO for sure), but this was one of my favorites from our trial run:

This was Corban's idea... Aren't kids brilliant? He blew some bubbles into the pond and come to find out, they held perfectly still in the water for a few seconds, enabling me to catch our crisp reflection.

We had such a great time that we're headed back tonight.

Tuesday Treasures...

2009-07-28T20:19:00.000-07:00

In a more concerted effort to be grateful for my many blessings, I have decided to take Tuesdays to blog about something that I treasure, whether it is something temporal (remember last week I posted about my special things I've collected on my mantle?) or something this week, that is not something necessarily tangible.

The dog days of July find me feeling gratitude for our central air conditioning. Growing up in Southern CA, we didn't have central air in our 1960's home. We have, however, had it in every single home I've lived in since coming to the land of the potato. I am a girl who has now grown accustomed to climate control, to the point of becoming irritable when the house is not a perfect 68 degrees year round. Man - I am soft.

Which leads me in a round about way to my Tuesday Treasure. The air conditioning has been having a difficult time keeping up with the 100 degree plus weather and apparently I've been griping. Upon investigation, Scott determined that he thinks the vent from the constantly running dryer empties out too close to the air conditioning unit so he took it upon himself to alleviate the problem:

Oh yeah. He did it. He rigged up a clothesline in my backyard. I am now certain that the neighbors love us. Thankfully he only strung out kid's undies and not mine. We're not going to discuss that one.

However, I treasure this guy, who does probably 75% of the family laundry AND cares enough about me to want me to be comfortable. I don't know if I tell him as often as I should, but he is my biggest treasure.

I Heart Faces - At the Beach

2009-07-27T14:18:00.001-07:00

For those who know me, deciding to play along with this weeks I Heart Faces challenge was a no-brainer!

There is no place I'd rather be than sitting by the ocean with my family.

This photo was taken during our vacation to the Oregon Coast, specifically Cannon Beach. In true Oregon fashion, it was cold and rainy, but we managed to grab a few moments between the rain showers to capture the memory. This is especially poignant to me because it was taken about a month after we lost the girls and I love that there's a storm all around the kids, but they are so truly beautiful and bright in spite of it. Isn't that life, my friends? This trip taught me to breathe again.

FAQ from my I Heart Faces friends: Yes, those kiddos are all mine! lol! (Emmeline - 3, Sara Jane - 9, Austin - 13, Hudson - 4 and Corban - 5).

Because this was actually our first time to attempt the jump shot, they were very cooperative because it was new to them. I totally *borrowed* the jumping from Alyssa (Resolved2Worship) and while we were staying in Seaside, I "Googled" local photographers because I figured they would know where the best locations were and hoped that I would be able to glean something from their websites. I noticed many of them had shots from Cannon Beach, so we drove the little beach town until I found the perfect location. The tides there are very unique, with an occasional wave that pushes at least 20 feet past the regular tideline. That's what makes the reflection shot possible without the kids actually getting wet. :)

Admittedly, the original wasn't nearly as beautiful as it became once the shot was edited by the very talented Lynne from Clickin Moms. I am so thankful that she took the time and effort to make it into something really special for me.

With Scott having just been laid off, I knew we weren't going to be heading back to the ocean anytime soon, so I really tried hard to get the best possible photo for my living room (including packing those pettiskirts into an SUV full of 7 people for an 11 hour drive - Scott was less than thrilled). I set my camera on continous shutter and literally took probably 120 jumping shots. The kids were cold and the weather was close to a nightmare, but it all sort of worked out. Of that many shots, about 3 were acceptable and this one was magical because I could never get that type of symmetry again if I tried! I also like that all of the kids with the exception of Sara Jane are totally engrossed in their reflections or in the jump. It's posed, but random, and that's what is fun to me. Thank you all so much for your sweet comments - they've made my week.

Be sure to swing by I Heart Faces and enjoy all of the beach photos! I know I'm carving out some time to do just that.

**Update - it's Wednesday and I am almost to Mr Linky #200!! If you leave me a comment, I'll be sure to reciprocate - it just takes me a few. I really try to view each photo submitted because there is so much to learn from each of you!**

xoxoxoxox

My Fellow Broncos Devotees...

2009-07-25T16:31:00.000-07:00

xoxoxoxox

Pretty, Pretty Please

2009-07-23T09:06:00.000-07:00

Have a box or a bag you've been meaning to drop off for charity or looking to clean out some closets before the kids head back to school?

Please consider donating these items to the Fabulessly Frugal "Pay It Forward" garage sale.

These fab women have banded together to organize this event to benefit members of our community who have hit difficult financial times, including my family. I am so blessed to call them friends.

They have several local drop off locations and I know that Scott and I will be making pick-up runs for those who want to donate but can't get to a drop off site. Send me an email and I'll happily pick up your items.

Just had your own garage sale and you're all de-junked for the year? Come by the garage sale on August 1st and feed your sweet tooth with their bake sale or pick up a few raffle tickets for some FABULESS items.

I'd love to see this garage sale benefit as many families as possible because we personally know so many people who have been affected by layoffs. Please consider donating!

xoxoxoxox

When I'm Still...

2009-07-22T10:11:00.000-07:00

My Heavenly Father speaks to me.

When my mind is not crowded with the "Why me, why them", I can feel a small part of his plan for me.

I have cried, I have begged, I have pleaded to feel our daughters - to find the peace that I found after we said goodbye too early to our baby Tanner.

I have been frustrated, I have been lost, I have been crazed.

Because I love so deeply and without reservation. From the moment they become my reality, I love them.

And so I cried unto the Lord... "Why did you need them more than I need them?", over and over again.

And I finally listened.

Because the grief and pain of giving back a child whose voice I had heard, whose touch I knew, whose smiles make my heart spin would have killed me.

Of course I wish that I had known these things about our twins, of course I will wonder for the rest of my life who they would have been, but I won't be haunted daily by hearing their voices and feeling their touch.

And that is merciful.

Tuesday Treasures...

2009-07-21T09:02:00.001-07:00

In a concerted effort to be more grateful, I have decided to share with you my Tuesday Treasures. What constitutes a Tuesday Treasure? Something that I live with and love, but sometimes fail to acknowledge as beautiful or a blessing...

A Tuesday Treasure doesn't have to be expensive, elaborate or exciting - only something that makes life a little richer.

I hope you'll share your Tuesday Treasures with me as well. Leave me your link in my comments.

Tuesday Treasure - the agapanthus plant that was picked up on clearance at Lowe's. I never buy exotics because up here in the north, they are an exotic annual and normally an overpriced annual at that. However, for $1.50, it's a wonderful summer reminder of home. The purple blooms that were always taken for granted when I lived in Southern CA bring a smile to my face each time I see them. Definitely a treasure.

Tuesday Treasure - my fireplace mantle. A smorgasboard of treasures... The beautiful print that my husband bought for our anniversary, books that belonged to my grandma's mother, my grandma's crystal candy dish, a sunflower from my dad that has been blooming for a week, an oil lamp my dearest friend brought back from Jerusalem, a Disneyland silhouette cutting of my children AND a Boise State Mr. Potato Head from my other dearest friend - brought to me to bring a smile to my face after the twins left us. I am comfortable enough in my own skin to live with these treasures all together on my mantle. Conventional? Nope, but I love them. Keeping it real with the dog bed and the baskets full of Wii gear next to the fireplace. :) I treasure those things too, so I suppose they're ok.

Now GO! Show me your Tuesday Treasures... xoxoxoxo

My Friends...

2009-07-20T08:23:00.000-07:00

Thank you, my sweet blogging friends. When I wrote a few days ago, it was just really one of those times that things just boil over.

I made a decision when we lost the girls that I wanted to be a "concious" blogger. I mainly write the blog for my sweet kids, but I've met some wonderful, dear friends through blogging and I felt I would be doing everyone a disservice by putting on my perfect face when I write. The very last thing I would want is to be anything less than authentic for you and for my children. Women, in particular, are hard enough on ourselves without believing that everyone you come across in a blog is somehow perfect.

However, most aspects of my life ARE truly perfect, most days I have plenty of faith to get through. I have a really wonderful husband who takes really great care of me. He does dishes, he helps with the laundry, he makes me laugh and sing and astonishes me with how far he will go to make me happy. He also snores and occasionally loses his temper and drops some swear words here and there. THAT'S LIFE. And it's beautiful.

The sweet children I have been blessed to raise are amazing. I don't know what was funny, interesting, motivating or worthwhile before them. I'm sure there were things, but I can't even imagine what they must have been. My first thought in the morning is of them and my last thought at night is the same. Did I do enough today to show them that I adore them? But keeping it real - they frustrate the HECK out of me sometimes. Emmeline is over-indulged and cries, quite a bit actually. Hudson is normally covered in dirt, leftover food and something sticky... Around the clock. Corban is a perfectionist and has trouble handling himself when someone doesn't live up to his expectations and he can be VERY stubborn. Sara Jane is hitting the moody pre-teen age headfirst (you should see this girl pitch one) and Austin is a full blown teenager who is pretty sure that we have to be the two lamest parents he's ever known.

That's just keeping it real.

I made a concious decision many years ago that I wanted to be a mother who knows that just because it's not perfect doesn't mean it's not beautiful. Again, my thoughts turn to Hudson, who is never clean. My parents used to give me a hard time for Hudson's perenially messy face... Until they cared for him at their house for a day. When I picked him up, they relented "We washed that kid's face ALL DAY and he was STILL DIRTY!". Hudman plays hard, eats hard and loves hard. He is all out. I've learned though that he doesn't have to be shiny faced to be beautiful to me.

And this is life. Mine hasn't been perfect, but it is beautiful. Sure, Scott is unemployed - but I get to have my very favorite person in the world home to share in adventures with me. He picked up a part time job that normally he never would have accepted (he drives an airport shuttle in the early mornings) and it's a great job! He earns tips and the hours will allow him to finish college. Being unemployed means FREE COLLEGE and the time to actually attend! I don't know how people raise a family, hold down a full time job AND go to school, but I sure do admire those who do. Being unemployed means that we have the opportunity to get free prescriptions from the drug companies. Corban and I both have severe asthma that has required many hospitalizations and two intubations between the two of us. The prescription cost is astronomical. Our doctor is kind enough to know our family situation and he helped us to fill out all of the required paperwork so that the hundreds of dollars a month spent on prescriptions is no longer a worry. What a blessing!

Yep - we're pretty much poor. It's not nearly as fun as being able to run out and buy whatever my heart desires, but I have learned from some really great bloggers how to shop with coupons (and LOVE IT) and for the first time in my life, I have food storage. I can't tell you what a blessing it is to know that I have enough food to feed the family for a few months if suddenly we had to go with nothing. My kids are thrilled to eat all of the name brand goodies that we never bought before and I'm able to do it all on very little money. I have learned that the kids are genuinely as happy with their yard sale or thrift shop clothes as they ever were with the giant bags of Gymboree. I have been freed from the financial beast! That never would have happened if we hadn't lost our income.

And the big one... Yes, I have given up three babies way too early. I don't have a whole lot that is good to say about that one - I wanted each one of these sweet ones so badly, Tanner and the girls, Mollie and Marie. I was so thrilled about the twins, it's just a hard dream to give up. I miss them every single day. You all know the truth now - somedays I'm angry and desperately hurt and somedays my faith is stronger and I trust in the Lord, even though it hurts. I know with all my heart that these babies are choice little spirits who didn't have to face the trials of the world and that being chosen to bring them into our families is a blessing. A lifetime of waiting for them is just difficult. There's really no way to get around that one, no matter how you choose to look at it. Losing babies stinks.

But, my dear friends, I am thankful that I didn't win that darn Madsen bike!!!!! How 'bout that one? Winning it would have been awesome, but I would have walked away from that feeling like I was just lucky. Instead, I have been blessed beyond belief to receive the sweetest gift EVER - the love of my blog friends. I sat down last night to go through my reader and catch up on a few blogs before going to bed and imagine my surprise when I saw that my favorite blog is holding a garage sale to purchase my bike. Can you believe that?!?!?!?! In addition, they are donating their proceeds to other families in need, families like mine who are getting by in tough times but could use a little pick-me-up.

So, please, please please, if you are a local friend who might have some things in your garage to donate, send me an email and we'll come by to pick it up and take it to the garage sale site. If you know of someone in need, get in touch with me and we'll arrange for them to contact the garage sale organizers so that they too might benefit from this incredible generosity.

Thank you all so much for your sweet comments. I didn't anticipate them when I wrote - I just had to get those things off my chest. I cry when I read the post, it certainly was a tough one... Then I smile when I read your comments. Thank you for taking me just the way I am - mostly imperfect, grateful, hurt and happy. I wish I could give each of you a hug.

xoxoxoxoxo

Feed Your Soul

2009-07-18T19:38:00.000-07:00

I felt inspired to share a message that touches me deeply, not only the first time I heard it, but each time I stop to listen to it again. Even if you're not of my faith, I think this message resonates to each of us as women (and you too Dad - your creativity just includes nailing the heck out of something).

Before you push play, you probably want to scroll all the way down to the bottom of this page and push the pause button on the music player... Or not. Your choice. :)

Fabulessly Frugal: IMPACT PEST CONTROL - Giveaway!

2009-07-18T09:59:00.001-07:00

Fabulessly Frugal: IMPACT PEST CONTROL - Giveaway!

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Today

2009-07-17T17:06:00.000-07:00

Was a day to eat warm chocolate chip cookies with ice cold milk (and not worry about cleaning our faces) and color and paint to our heart's content, all under the watchful eye of a sunflower from Brumpy's house.

Scott splurged the other day and bought the coolest Crayola art kit I think I've ever seen. All neatly housed in a wooden briefcase are all of the colors that a kid could possibly crave in all sorts of different mediums. Watercolors, crayons, colored pencils, markers big and small, oil pastels and then more markers. The kids feel so special to sit down and use such great art supplies.

True Story...

2009-07-16T23:17:00.001-07:00

Am I the only one who needs a good laugh?

In a hurry the other day Scott stuck Em in the shower with him, where she promptly attacked his chest with a small pair of scissors that are kept in the shower for cutting out particularly stubborn rubberbands.

"WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?????? Don't cut Daddy's chest hairs!!!"

To which she replied, "HOLD STILL DAD! I make you AWESOME!".

Since then, she's been wandering the house inspecting everyone else's chest, checking for hair and then proclaiming her Dad's grossness.

Somebody Slap Me... Really.

2009-07-15T21:26:00.000-07:00

I actually had a breakdown tonight when I didn't win the Madsen Cycle contest... It bordered on throwing a fit, to be perfectly honest. I literally went and threw myself down on my bed and cried over it. I guess I figured that my luck was going to change with that awesome bike giveaway, after all - this has really been a crummy year so far.

Riches of My Soul? This is more the deepest part of my soul - the part that has become bored with being strong, cheerful in the face of trials, optimistic and grateful and wants to go back to last fall, before babies died and hopes were dashed and jobs were lost and plans fell apart.

This is the part of Crissie that I've been struggling with...

I am angry that our twins died. There... I said it. I am angry that this is something that I will carry for the rest of my life - the incredible joy of expecting twins and the bitter sorrow that has blotted out the joy there once was. I am angry that we had to give up our second baby so long ago - I am angry that I don't have hope that this grief will ever go away. I am angry that I know from losing our Tanner that the pain of losing a baby just slowly becomes a part of who you are instead of naively believing that it will get better. I know better... I am angry that I will forever be a mother of loss, one son and two daughters who were given to me long enough to learn to grieve for a lifetime.

How do I reconcile that ugly anger with the gratitude I feel for my sweet, beautiful living children? Much more than so many people are given?

I don't... I punish myself for my ingratitude, I question my faith, my devotion, my sanity. How can I feel so hurt when I know people who grieve for the chance to have A child?

I am frustrated to live on such a tight budget. The money that is leftover from the mortgage, utilities, food and car payment is actually in the double digits each month. That goes to gas. I'm frustrated with that... I enjoy money - I'm tired of self discipline and denial and feeling compelled to try to enjoy forced frugality. I really do enjoy nice purses, eating out, buying shoes and dressing the girls to the nines.

How do I reconcile that with thankfulness for our mortgage loan modification, grants to go to school, the medication that Corban needs each month, enough money to get by and most generally being easily amused?

I don't... I feel ungrateful, prideful, selfish and wasteful. I feel shame for focusing on the things that we don't have anymore instead of the things that we do - a future together, education, a good marriage, beautiful children, a modest house payment and unemployment checks while Scott finishes school.

I am disappointed in my inability to interact with people anymore... I think I must feel some shame about my grief. Scott handled things for me for so many weeks and months that I've lost the skills that I once had. It used to be easy for me to be confident, stand in front of many people and teach lessons in Church, start a decent conversation with most anyone - my friends would joke about it. It's not even that I WANT to mingle with people now, it's too painful. I am ashamed of it though. I get angry that everyone's life hasn't stopped because my girls are gone, I get angry when people complain about the trials of pregnancy and newborns, my chest literally tightens up when I hear a baby cry. Yep - I'm jealous, all you WalMart shoppers who blissfully push your perfect babies around. I don't want to see pictures of your babies, I don't want to talk about your babies, I'm not quite capable of celebrating your babies. Wow. I said that too. That was a big one.

How do I reconcile that with wanting to be a good friend, a good neighbor? I don't. I beat myself up for my failings... The phone calls I avoid because I'm sure I'll cry, the plans that I break because I am suddenly overwhelmed by my own overblown expectations - pushing things off because it's one more thing I can't fail at and still go on... In my grief, I am somehow personally responsible for allowing three babies to die - I can't possibly disappoint one more person.

So I don't. I stay here, with my family, where they know I cry at will and have no choice but to live with it. Oh sure - I email you. That's because I can email you and self-edit and you'll never see my weaknesses because I am completely in control of the delete button.

How is this all related to the darn Madsen bike, you ask? Because for about 30 seconds I was actually JEALOUS of the girl who won... A beautiful, amazing, strong mother of 4 who has been terribly burned as the result of a near fatal plane crash. I was jealous. Who does that kind of thing?

Me.

And me, it's time for a reality check. Everyone has struggles, every life knows some sunshine and some rain. If it weren't for the pain, we wouldn't know joy.

After my dad reads this, he will call and say that I come from better stock, and he's right. Dad - don't freak out. Writing is cathartic. Just consider the Madsen Bike incident a wake up call. I still can't quite say that I'm happy I didn't win though... This hasn't been a mighty change of heart... Yet.

On to Basketball

2009-07-14T21:33:00.001-07:00

T-ball season has passed and much to my Dad's excitement, basketball season has begun again.

Dad has coached numerous community teams for Austin and has now turned his coaching efforts to the younger set, specifically Corban and Hudson.

Corban played on his first basketball team in early spring and Hudson was age-eligible to play on the same team this summer.

I'm afraid that Dad is going to be disappointed with Hudson's commitment level, as was evidenced at their first practice last night. The Hudman doesn't appear to be too excited about running a pick ONE MORE TIME.

"Stand SHOULDER TO SHOULDER, Hudson... Hudson, are you listening to me??"

I'm afraid you're going to have to resort to bribing, Brumpy. Try candy - it always works for me and his dad.

Hey Look - I'm Beautiful

2009-07-14T21:24:00.000-07:00

Me, as drawn by my very artistic 3 year old:

I think I'm beautiful.

Thanks Dad!

2009-07-14T21:15:00.000-07:00

The blossoms are beautimus and were just the thing to brighten my day.

Even more dear to my heart is knowing that by nurturing these flowers, you also nurtured a few little boys by letting them (ahem) "help" you plant the seeds. They were so proud of their accomplishment tonight when they realized that our table is now graced with their flowers.

Sunshine...

2009-07-12T19:40:00.000-07:00

Really should have been Hudson's middle name. Every single time I see his smiling face, my heart melts.

He's not as fast or athletic as his brothers, he's not as outgoing as his sisters, but just looking at him makes all of us smile. What a gift.

Fourth of July

2009-07-05T13:00:00.000-07:00

I hope that your Fourth of July was as wonderful as ours... We loaded up the kids bright an early and went downtown for the "We the People Parade". It was loads of fun and the kids enjoyed seeing all of the parade entries.

Sort of a family tradition, but every year, we somehow manage to make the local news. The girls have lots of fun dressing up in my wild outfits and they certainly don't shy away from the camera. I'm sewing again though, which really is something I had a hard time doing. I really envisioned myself sewing outfits for little matching girls this summer and it was another emotional hurdle for me... Not to mention that I had given up my sewing room for their nursery - it was hard just to get in there.

I have to admit, I'm proud...

After the parade ended, it was over to the park, where we would wait for the fireworks show to begin. Parking around the park is notoriously bad on the 4th, so we decided to park closer to the freeway and bike our way in. Let me tell you, that's an endeavor with 5 kids and a friend (3 non-bike riders), a cooler, a BBQ, entertainment for the kids for 10 hours, swimsuits, towels, chairs, etc. Scott, being the amazing guy that he is, figured it all out for us. Check it out, MADSEN CYCLES and take notes. Your bike really rocks, but I'm pretty sure your next bike should be something that is expandable, like our family mobile. Scott can send you some plans to work from if you'd like. You have to admit, we make this look good.

My man seriously rigged up the bike trailer to pull our WAGON! It was impressive. Now this is something you don't see every day:

Once at the park, we spent the day people watching, playing in the fountain, squirt gun fighting, playing dodgeball, blowing bubbles, BBQing with friends, dancing with the band (and getting our picture taken for the newspaper here - if I weren't so proud, I'd be ashamed at how well the girls work a camera) and of course, watching the fireworks.

Blue...

2009-07-01T21:07:00.000-07:00

Today we availed ourselves of the free self-guided tours of Bronco Stadium that we noticed at Orientation the other day. We dressed the kids up in all their orange and blue lovin' and hit the Blue.

Contrary to rumor, ducks don't die by the thousand each year mistaking our turf for a lake (I actually believed that one too when I first moved here). I know the rest of the country loves to hate it, but it is probably to Boise what the potato is to Idaho. We embrace it whole-heartedly.

The very best part of living in Idaho is the access we have to things like our stadium. Did you know that you can walk right into our Governor's office? True story - we've done it many times. We even have pictures of our out of town guests sitting at his desk. Where else, my friends???

We came, we saw, we wrote our names in the visitor's book (along with a little love note for Coach Pete - that was mine...) we faux touchdown danced in the endzone. It was so awesome. I have to admit that taking photos in full sun is not a talent of mine, but we're definitely going back. I don't think a canvas for football season would be an inappropriate thing to hang above the fireplace, right?

Beatin' the Heat

2009-06-29T09:10:00.000-07:00

When the weather turns very warm and the kids turn very cranky, there is only one solution... Turn on the backyard sprinklers and let the kids jump on the trampoline. Unlike the traditional running through the sprinklers (which only seems to last for minutes before they're bored), the trampoline and some sprinklers can keep them busy for hours! An added bonus, Corban treats us all to an exhibition of his athleticism.

Thank You, Boise Hawks!

2009-06-23T11:46:00.000-07:00

When Scott went to the Labor Dept. the other day to turn in more school papers, he found a pleasant little surprise. A press release sitting on the counter from the Boise Hawks, our local Cubs affiliate minor league baseball team.

"The Boise Hawks to offer free tickets this season to those adversely impacted by the current economic downturn.

On Monday nights during the 2009 season the Hawks will make 400 tickets available in Memorial Stadium's first base, reserved section to unemployed workers in the community..."

Yep. That's US! When you factor in that my poor Dad lost HIS job in December, we got 8 free tickets, which was enough for him and the seven of us.

So you know we packed the kids up and trucked on down there to proclaim our unemployedness. It got better when we got down there though! Monday nights are free hot dog and soda night for kids under 12!!!!

"In this environment, our hope is to reach out and offer up our venue, and the family fun we provide, as part of the solution to better times ahead."

Thank you, Hawks. We came, we saw, we had a GREAT time and we're sorry we didn't cheer you on to victory.

It was a great game and we'll be back for the next Monday home game. Your players were gracious, and this is something that our community should be very proud of. I can't tell you how much I appreciate the players who came to the fence, gave my children official baseballs, signed them and shook their hands as if they were the most important people in the stadium last night. Thank you. It's been hard for them to watch their parents struggle each day, but last night as we were walking out of the stadium I realized that they were happy. Emmeline reported, even though it was 10:30 at night, "This was GOOD TIME!". Priceless Hawks...

Friends, this is what is beautiful about Boise. This is the way we roll.

Swinging...

2009-06-22T22:35:00.000-07:00

We are pleased to announce that we finally saw our subdivision park come to fruition this summer. It's been a LONG 5 years, folks. It's so great to be able to walk down the street and enjoy the brand new playground and we sure are glad to have it.

On a totally unrelated note, I am just pondering tonight... I wonder if I am the only 35 year old woman alive who is considering counting down the days until the new Twilight movie comes out?

Let's Hear it for the Boys - Photo Challenge

2009-06-22T08:56:00.000-07:00

I'm deciding to jump right in and participate this week over at one of my MOST fav photography blogs, I Heart Faces. I stop by regularly to "oooo and awwww" over the beautiful photos submitted by photographers all around the globe.

This week's theme being "Let's Hear it for the Boys", I felt that there was no time like the present to jump in!

This snapshot of Hudson is completely irrestible to me, especially taken in the context of being on the same t-ball team as his slightly older brother... After what must have seemed like an incredible hit to him, Hudson "slow-motioned" (his words, not mine) over to first base and celebrated with a traditional thumbs up to mom. Oh how I love this boy!

Technically correct? Oh my GOSH no. Emotionally correct? I sure think so.

For more t-ball adventures, and to really understand this photo, you absolutely must check out the "True Story of T-ball" here.

For photography inspiration, head on over to I Heart Faces, but don't say I didn't warn you - you'll be there for awhile!

Happy Father's Day!

2009-06-21T11:11:00.000-07:00

I absolutely must start this Father's Day post out by saying how thankful I am to have such a wonderful Dad. My fondest childhood memories all have my Dad in them... How he sat through all five nights of the high school musicals, I will never know, but he sure did teach me that you show up and cheer your child on with all your might.... You laugh, you cry, you hug, you fight, then you laugh some more. That is the stuff that being a parent is made of, and I am lucky to have my Dad to emulate.

And how lucky am I to have found this guy?

Through thick and thin, to hell and back and we've done it together... We've welcomed children, we've mourned children, we've wondered why we had children and we've marvelled at the greatness of children - together.

I couldn't ask for a better partner...

Or a better Daddy.

xoxoxoxox

A Father's Day Gift

2009-06-18T21:16:00.001-07:00

This one is for my daddy-o. Just in case you've been hiding under a rock lately, his beloved Lakers won the NBA Championship.

My Dad has been a Lakers fan clear back from before the days of Magic, Kareem and Worthy. We're talking WAAAAAAAY back. I just don't happen to remember any of the players before the early 80's so I can't impress you with those names.

I only wish I had two little matching baby girls in matching Lakers onsies in these pictures for you Dad, but I'm sure you'll agree that you have the cutest collection of Lakers fans in the world! And 5 is a starting line-up, right? When you tell me what size to have printed for your office, I'll get right on it.

The kids sure had fun doing this for you and I want you to know that you are the Champion of their hearts, in addition to being the very best Dad a girl could ask for. I love you, Daddy.

I Told You This Was BIG News...

2009-06-18T14:15:00.000-07:00

Are you ready for it? Are you sitting down??? Are you prepared for something totally wild?

I didn't want to tell you all until I got my official acceptance letter and my financial aid was in place, but I am a Bronco. If you claim to know me at all, then you know how I feel about Boise State...

When Scott put in his application for school and I realized that education was FREE, due to the general decline of our income, I was smart enough to realize that only the truly ignorant pass up free education. I figured I would enroll in a couple of graphic design classes and then put my newly gained intelligence to good use by doing some web design from our home... I thought I had won the lottery when I realized that my Pell Grants will pay for a Mac and CS4 to use for my photo editing AND I get an entire semester to learn how to use the Adobe software... I was pretty happy thinking about the 2 classes I was going to take...

And THEN, I realized that full-time students get free football tickets.

Of course I'm going full-time!! You would be a complete IDIOT to pass up free education AND free football tickets!!!!

I don't care what I have to take (with the obvious exception of math), but I am going to be at every single home game this year, starting with YOU Oregon. You thought you would be coming over to take on our amazing football team, but you know you're going down when I show up in all my blue and orange glory, toting as many of my kids as I can score tickets for! Heck yeah, you should fear this 35 year old freshman mother of five. I mean business.

Wish me luck - I'm going to need it. Oh yes - and the really cool Madsen bike to tote me and the kids all around the campus. Scott and I are scheduling our classes around each other so that one of us is always with the littles. It's going to be a great year!!!

(Now go click on that Madsen link 428 times!!!)

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Have I Told You?

2009-06-18T12:37:00.000-07:00

Have I told you all yet how much I want this bike? Seriously - the coolest thing ever.

Check it out! Is that, or is that not, the coolest bike you're ever seen? I get excited just thinking about who or what I would pack into the back of that bike if I'm randomly chosen to win a bike in July. A few kids? Groceries? Picnic basket? Henry, my Scottish Terrier? All of the above? They'd ALL fit in a Madsen.

Unlike my quest to win a new camera in Clickin Mom's affiliate contest (which requires that you sign up for their really fab service), helping me win a Madsen requires nothing more than clicking on the cute little picture to the right ----> or here:

Click it, then click it again. Rinse and repeat. The top 20 traffic drivers will be entered for a 1 in 20 chance to win the bike. All other entries (outside of the top 20) are pooled together and have a 1 in howevermany chance of winning a bike.

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I'll tell you all more about why I want this bike so badly in just a few...

xoxoxoxooxo

This Poor Urchin Needs a Real Mom

2009-06-17T10:09:00.001-07:00

My poor, neglected Emmeline obviously needs a real mom. She was probably gone for a good half an hour yesterday before we realized we weren't being graced with her presence.

I found her out back, dirty face, messy hair, playing with her brother's cars and loving every minute of it. Shouldn't well-loved little girls be inside, at their mother's sides, with clean faces and brushed hair - I don't know, making cookies or something in cute little aprons? I wonder if I'm depriving her...

I sure do love this little girl though... Dirty face and all.

Quick - Find Yourself a Wheat Field

2009-06-16T22:54:00.000-07:00

Cause it is the coolest place EVER to take a picture. My aforementioned BFF photography friend Tina is also the world's best garage saler. Can that actually be a noun? If so, she's it.

She was sweet enough to drag her incredible yellow wingback garage sale chair and give me a few pointers. Now if only I can grab some of her stellar editing skills... I actually have a plan for that, and I'll tell you more about it tomorrow. Some cute guy is calling my name.

A Sweet Gift from a Sweet Friend...

2009-06-16T22:42:00.000-07:00

Look what my BFF photography friend did for me... A super great picture of me and the Pooh. What a treasure, right?

Thank you, thank you, thank you Tina. Your talent astonishes me and your generosity is unmatched. I am lucky that you answered my random email.

xoxoxoxo

A Haven...

2009-06-16T21:04:00.000-07:00

Today was a jumble of emotions. A bill received from the obstetrician not so kindly requesting that I pay off the last $250 of my several thousand dollar bill from the twins. Have I mentioned that I lost the grand prize? I called the office to explain the current situation, that Scott was laid off after we lost the girls and I can't commit to much more than keeping the electricity on at this point. I asked if she could hold the account for a few months and I would call back if our situation changed. She not so kindly informed me that my account would be forwarded to collections. I wonder what the heck they will collect? The hospital was kind enough to write off my balance with them, but apparently the doctor's luxury car payment is due and they need to squeeze blood from a turnip.

Oh man, I really dislike bitter Crissie... It's not so attractive, right? This is just part of the cylical nature of loss. I guess I need to be bitter about something.

So I did something what brings me peace and comfort. I took a book out back and sat on my swing and rocked. I love that old swing... several paint jobs and one more later, it is still one of my favorite possessions. Nothing calms my heart like kicking off my shoes and stretching out on my beloved swing...

True Story...

2009-06-15T21:25:00.003-07:00

I don't ever want to forget this one... This is the true story of t-ball, replayed for Tuesdays Unwrapped over at Chatting at the Sky. Emily, I just want you to know - I love Tuesdays so much that I carried on without you last week - scroll down. You'll love it. I missed you though, so I'm really glad you're back!!!

Corban, hitting the stuffing out of the ball:

Corban, throwing the ball at 100 miles an hour to first base and getting the runner out:

Corban, running the bases faster than a jack rabbit:

Hudson, playing with the chain link fence instead of paying attention to the batter:

Hudson, amusing himself and his teammates, and also remembering to look at the camera and give mom a "thumbs up":

Hudson, finding a way to make the standard issue baseball uniform his own:

And honest to heavens, you know who pestering the coach to know when it's snack time:

I wouldn't have it any other way:

How Does Your Garden Grow?

2009-06-13T18:35:00.000-07:00

This is my first full-fledged vegetable garden and I have to say, I'm enamoured. I can hardly wait to go out each day to see how it's progressing and to tend to it. We decided to go with a square foot garden and carefully followed the instructions on the things to add to the beds and I have to say, it's been a total delight and I'm so glad that we did it the right way. We have very, very few weeds and those that do pop up are easy to remove because the soil is so light.

Snap peas - I think the dainty flowers are beautiful!

Crookneck squash. Not sure why I planted them, other than that they were in the clearance section and I felt sorry for them.

Cantaloupes. We all know why I planted these!

Our square foot garden. Lettuce and carrots sprouting up.

Our strawberries! Oh how I love these!!! Almost as much as our juvenile robins love them, it seems.

Our grapes - planted just two years ago. This will be their first year to bear significant fruit.

Our raspberries... Promising to burst into fruit any day now. We will have fresh raspberries for most of the summer. Certainly plenty to keep us in raspberry jam all year.

Granny Smith apples. This is our third summer with the trees and I think we're going to greatly improve last year's harvest - one apple!

Red Delicious apples - also our third summer. This will be the first year we will have fruit. I can hardly wait!

How does your garden grow? What have you planted, tended and loved?

Home Again...

2009-06-13T17:40:00.000-07:00

I couldn't quite bring myself to tell you all that Scott was taking the boys up camping last night for a Father/Son campout with other members of our church. It's not that I didn't want them to go and have a fabulous time, it was the point where my anxiety intersects being the granddaughter of a German grandmother. Even though anxiety and superstition mirror each other, after all what is superstition but a way to make us feel as if we assert any control whatsoever on our own lives and thereby assuage our anxieties, they are partners that I can't quite allow to co-mingle.

Following each of our losses, I have become more deeply mired in my anxiety. My belief is that this is because carrying a deceased child (or two) is something that is so much out of your control, even though it lives solely within you. Each time I have come away feeling more vunerable to all of the things that could go tragically wrong in life.

When Scott said he wanted to take the boys, I tried to reconcile my anxieties with the very rational fact that I knew they would have a great time. I frantically tried everything I could think of to guarantee me their safety. I asked for them to drive the big SUV instead of Scott's little truck, I sent them up to the mountains before all of the after work traffic would be heading up for the weekend, I packed bug spray, nebulizer, medication, my portable battery pack to power the nebulizer, extra food, etc. I figured I had done everything in my power to keep them safe.

And then it happened. The dreams started...

Scott and the boys alone high atop a pine tree (I didn't say anxiety makes sense, especially at 4 in the morning). The giant tree collapsed and my sweet ones all plummeted down to the ground in an exaggerated fall. My Dad, who would be the next in line to being "Crissie's Chief Rock" in Scott's absence, was there of course and even though I was screaming in my dream, he was able to console me telling me "I'm sure they're fine Criss" and then ran towards the collapsed tree to rescue my boys.

Then something that is far too real to me, too painful, too familiar... My Dad turned with great loss and sadness in his eyes and in my dream I knew that some or all of them were gone. Then the running, the screaming, the desperately trying to escape that moment that I knew my heart would be ravaged, trying to stop time and continue living without that awful pain. That I know far too well... In my dream I cried "Please God let me wake up" - that same pleading to escape that moment.

Thankfully I did wake up. Screaming and crying and clawing at Scott, who patiently woke me up, telling me that it was all a dream over and over again, me reluctant to believe him. He sweetly told me that it was my anxieties about their safety on this trip - their first away from me since we lost the girls. He petted my head and promised to bring all of them home to me today, and he did... He even threw in some wildflowers for my bravery.

And so I'll think of our babies, Tanner and Mollie & Marie... The fear, the anxiety, the terribly deep heart ache. I'll think of our Heavenly Father who has promised me that I will have them again - I must only have faith in the Lord and trust Him even though I am running, screaming and frightened. He will comfort me if only I can discipline myself to be still and know that He is on my side. I know that my reward for bravery will be much more than even these beautiful wildflowers.

Tuesdays Unwrapped

2009-06-08T19:19:00.000-07:00

I have to tell you that I have absolutely been privileged to participate in Emily's Tuesdays Unwrapped Mr. Linky parties over at Chatting at the Sky. They have changed the way that I look at things. I try to live mindfully, aware that these precious moments with my treasures will be but a moment. Think about it for a minute... How many times, while out with your goobery faced kiddos who are misbehaving, acting up, rowdy and generally uncivilized have you been stopped by a perfect stranger who tells you about their children and with a heavy sigh says "They're all grown up and gone now... Enjoy this while you can."

Dear God, please let me devour every single moment with them, breathe it in, treasure it and keep it so that it will sustain me for the time that they're gone. For the life of me, I can't imagine what will be funny, special, exciting, interesting or fulfilling without them here. I face that day with absolute dread. Maybe it's because I live life as a mother who has experienced too much loss. Some days I can't bear the thought...

Thanks to Tuesdays Unwrapped, I have come to realize that at least these thoughts of mine aren't crazy. I spend way too much time these days worrying that perhaps I've gone over the edge. There are plenty of otherwise completely normal women who feel the same way... Who live each day to celebrate these small things. Thank you Emily. You should stop by her blog to read the stories of these amazing women by following some of the links. They inspire me...

On to my Tuesday Unwrapped post. Today I realized how far my influence on my daughters spreads, how deeply those seeds are planted when Sara Jane announced to me that lunch would be served picnic-style on the patio. I teared up when I saw a perfect little replica of some of our outdoor eating... An old quilt used for a table cloth, peanut butter sandwiches lovingly cut, thought put into the drinkware. The fact that she used the Christmas dishes just made it that much better.

How I hope that I will realize that she is soaking in everything that I do - the good and the not-so-good and that I will strive for more of the good, for her sake. I pray that I may approach serving my family with the same joy that she did today.

A Wonderful BBQ for a Not So Wonderful Event...

2009-06-07T22:36:00.000-07:00

It has happened. My sister has fallen in love with a BOY and is moving away from me. Of all the nerve, right? After all, this is my blog, therefore we will do no talking of how this is the best move for her, Clay is wonderful, she's not moving too far, etc. We're sticking with "of all the nerve". OK?

To send her off, we hosted a small family BBQ for her tonight. Much crying was done - I didn't even make it past the mealtime prayer before falling apart and she's still here for almost a week! Imagine the waterfall of tears that will progressively build over the coming week...

Just a few pictures to share...

Fruit in abundance. The kiddos eat this like candy, particularly Emmie.

A few veggies with completely homemade dip, down to chopping up the herbs ourselves from our garden.

Some treats from the grill, courtesy of Albertson's really great meat sale last week:

Two apple pies and homemade ice cream, which two lucky kids (and two lucky dogs by default) got to lick off of the ice cream beaters:

A good time was had by all:

(You'll see we're not getting all CRAZY and giving up our pop! Baby steps...)

Deal of the Century!

2009-06-07T21:34:00.000-07:00

During a seemingly routine trip to WalMart, my Spidey-Deal-Senses were alerted to a woman pushing a cart with what had to be 15 pairs of shoes stuffed inside. "Obviously there's some sort of shoe clearance going on!" I barked to Scott, in full bargain-swooping mode.

After being routed to the front of the store by the helpful guy in shoes "Um - I don't know. Maybe check up front?", we found them! PALLETS of shoes marked down to $1! I won't lie, I was pretty much in a frenzy... We had two carts full of shoes that might fit SOMEONE in this house in the next year. I have to admit to being somewhat of a grabber - I like to hoard my treasures and then sneak off to a quiet corner to sort and get realistic. After all, I really wasn't going to be wearing those weird blue slip on tennies anytime soon.

This is what we came home with:

All for $1 a pair. It was a GREAT day at WalMart.

Squeeze Me, I Squeak.

2009-06-07T21:29:00.000-07:00

This is why Hudson totally owns my heart.

We went to WalMart the other day and he was awarded the traditional smiley sticker by the kind lady at the front door. Which he promptly lost.

But Hudson was not going to wallow in his sorrow - he found a replacement. In the pet aisle:

And unbeknownst to his normally vigilant parents (who were totally distracted by shoes for $1!!!!), he wore this sticker for a good part of the day.

Need Albertson's Doublers?

2009-06-07T18:11:00.000-07:00

I still have about 50 Albertson's ads from the Statesman TMC routes if any of you are in need. These coupons expire Tuesday at closing time, so send me an email if you would be able to use them before then. I'll happily stick them out on my front porch for you to pick up - I'll even "personalize" them with your name! :)

Send me an email at thefieldsfab5@aol.com with your name and the number that you'd like.

xoxoxoxo,
Crissie

Thanks So Much to Great Friends!

2009-06-03T13:06:00.001-07:00

I know you're all tired of hearing about my quest to find 500 people to join Clickin Moms before the end of the month but I tell you what, it has certainly shown me some really great people that I am blessed to call friends.

Sweet, talented Bobbi was the very first to answer my plea for some Clickin Moms links. She is so talented with Photoshop and photography, down to earth and she's just plain cool! Stop by her blog and pick up her great Photoshop actions and read through her posts to learn a plethora of neat things.

Also uber-talented Jen wrote a whole post about little ole me! WOW! Cool, right? She shared the story of my Locks of Love donation with her readers and then linked them up with my Clickin Moms account. You absolutely must stop by her blog and see all of her amazing hair-do's for girls. I am "she of little hair skill" but I have managed to come up with some really cute do's for Sara Jane and Emmeline. She's taking a little bit of time off this summer but there are plenty of archives on her blog to keep your girlies looking delish all summer long. While you're there, be sure to vote for her in the Utah 2009 Baby Blog Contest. She gives all the details out on her blog. Jen is a really great gal and was the one who inspired me to cut my hair off for Locks of Love. She'll amaze you with her creativity!

Last, but certainly not least, the absolutely amazing Ali from Rock that OCF stuck a button on her blog for me!!!! AWESOME! You must stop by her blog and feast your peepers on her amazing photography. Ali has a sense for color like no one else I know. Back when we still had an income, I purchased her incredible ebook for off camera flash and boy, is that thing GOOD! I still read it... Ali teaches just like I think - visually. She gave me the confidence to just get out and DO IT and showed me that it was ok to go out and make mistakes.

Thank you my friends!!!! I really appreciate you stepping up to the plate for me.

xoxoxoxo

The Unofficial Beginning of Summertime

2009-06-02T21:27:00.000-07:00

Nothing says summertime to our family like the Great American Pastime, baseball. Scott played for many years and he has now become the father of baseball players. Much to his chagrine, Austin prefers hoops, but the brothers really love baseball. Well, Corban loves any sport, but that's another post.

We were thrilled this year to get the brothers assigned to the same t-ball team. This is Corban's second year and Hudson's first year. Being only 13 months apart in age, we hope that being on the same team will become the norm. It sure makes game days easier!

It is so fun to watch them play together and it's a great opportunity to really see them as two separate little boys... They are so different in temperament. Hudson is quick to smile and finds joy in every little thing. His biggest thrill in t-ball is having a coach and being a part of the team. He was quick to point out that when they paired off to play catch, he had a partner other than Corban! He has become the coach's shadow and even knows how to fidget with his glove as if he knew what he was doing...

Corban is very serious, competitive and extremely athletic. He quickly masters any new sport he tries, he's fast and he's coordinated. He's quite a bit like Scott - he quietly goes out and does what he's supposed to be doing without drawing attention to himself. No show-boating for this guy... He just gets the job done and well.

Hudson catches like his mom...

But does everything in life with that irresistable smile on his beautiful face.

It's hard to be the little brother of a bonefide sports star though, not to mention the son of a local baseball all-star.

Have I told you all that I was so shallow at 19 that I decided I really loved this guy after seeing his rear end in a pair of baseball pants? True story. Up until that baseball tournament, I thought I would just keep him around until I found another guy. Then I saw him hit the ball harder than I've ever seen anyone hit the ball and I decided he was a keeper. Welcome to the mind of a 19 year old girl. Romantic, right? Luckily for me, things seemed to turn out just right, didn't they?

Now if only he could teach Hudson what he means when he's yelling "Make sure you touch homeplate Hudson!!!!".

The Beginning

2009-06-01T09:39:00.000-07:00

The beginning of our garden is underway! Encouraged by my friend Jenn and following the example of my father-in-law (both of who are way ahead of me on this), I picked up some great "free to me" garden boxes. A family from our Church needed them to be moved and my sweet Scott and Austin grabbed them for me.

First things first - the fight to save our giant maple tree begins. I think my beloved birds tracked in a pest. Scale! These little bugs are very crafty. They are all cleverly hidden from the elements and from my sight underneath the branches of my tree. I probably wouldn't have discovered them until they did significant damage to the tree, but they were spotted as I was cleaning out the planter under the tree the other day.

Keep your fingers crossed for me. Oh, how I love that tree! We are treating it with a systemic and I hope to see improvement this month.

Now, on to the garden. Scott and the kids prepared the new soil for me - Mel's Mix, straight out of a wonderful book, All New Square Foot Gardening. It is equal parts compost, peat moss and vermiculite and it is heavenly! We were a little bit skeptical about not using top soil in a garden but trust me, this is the way to garden!!!! No backbreaking digging - you can literally plant with your hands. I am completely sold. I was fortunate enough to find the book at our library, but I've seen them very reasonably priced on Amazon.

They started out mixing with implements and soon went to hands only because the soil was so wonderful!

Then the fun began in earnest. PLANTING! We still have some seeds to finish up, but we got all of the starts into the ground. I won't take a chance on clearance plants from many places, but when I found all of these (with the exception of the snap peas) on the clearance shelf at Zamzows on Saturday, I was more than willing to give them a try! Zamzows is our local garden and pet center and they take immaculate care of their plants. I'll take their clearance plants any day of the week.

Then Hudson got the honors and drug out my favorite watering can to welcome the plants to their new home.

Thank you Bodilys for the really great planters! We are thrilled to be using them.

xoxoxo

Happiness Is...

2009-06-01T09:28:00.003-07:00

Sitting down to flip through Corban's kindergarten writing journal and finding this:

From Corban, my very intelligent and competitive child, I would have expected something different. Maybe at least "I love Dad". So much for my preconceived notions. When he saw "I love" as a writing prompt, "Mom" was what came to his mind. The kindergarten journal, once I dried the tears off of my face, immediately went into it's own page protector in the binder where I keep all such paper treasures: Mother's Day cards, poems, stick figure drawings carefully rendered. These are the riches of my soul.

I thank the Lord that I was given this sweet child.

I Actually Did It!

2009-05-28T20:57:00.000-07:00

My friend Jenn from Girly Do's By Jenn committed to donating her hair to Locks of Love and I decided to join her... I made a sort of non-committal commitment of "Um - sure. I'll do it... Not exactly sure when, but I'm with ya!".

In reality, I had enough hair to donate two times over. It was THICK and it was LONG.

We're revisiting the apple orchard picture on the pretense of showing off the long hair, but in truth I have other pictures - I just really love that one! But, did you notice I referred to my hair in the past-tense? I DID IT!!!!! I cut my hair!

The truth is, this how I really roll people. No make-up, self-portraiting me. What the heck was I thinking with that high maintenance hair? The girl in the apple orchard with the cute hair normally wore it in a ponytail and didn't sleep the entire night before the apple orchard because she was torturing herself with Curlformers. (Still love them to death - just do yourself a favor and blowdry your hair instead of sleeping in them. Save the Curlformer-sleeping to the little girls!)

Back to my haircut... Since we're still (ahem) unemployed, the cutting took place in my kitchen tonight. It's a good thing that Scott has some serious hair skill for a boy, although I do think he felt a little weird asking the girls at Sally's for recommendations on hair cutting websites. I was really proud when he handed over the Sally's Beauty Club card and 15% off coupon with his purchase of shears tonight. I'm pretty sure the Sally's girls were drooling.

It feels so good to be sending off 12 1/2 inches of ponytail glory to Locks of Love. I haven't done anything really productive since we lost the girls so at least when I'm down now, I can remember that I stepped up and thought of someone else. Remind me of that and don't let me try to tell you all that I did it for myself because it was the practical thing to do for summer... That's how I roll.

Please, if you're even thinking of cutting your hair, consider going a little bit shorter than you might normally and donating your 10 inches (or more) to Locks of Love. After all, yours will grow back and you're giving an amazing gift to someone who isn't capable of doing that for themselves. When I think of that, it seems like such a small thing to give.

xoxoxoxo

Scenes from the Front Yard

2009-05-27T17:30:00.000-07:00

Things that were seen from my front yard today:

The neighbors down the street treated us to quite a sight when their really large spa was delivered and had to be transported into their backyard by a CRANE!

Then the little ones decided that they wanted to ride bikes out front. I had a few computer things to get done, so Scott reassured me that he would keep an eye on the bike riders.

I guess the excitement of the crane was just too much for him. Yep... He's sleeping.

The kids were partying all around him and uh-huh. Emmeline is still rockin' the bandaid from last night.

BandAids Fix Everything...

2009-05-27T10:48:00.001-07:00

Last night during movie night in our living room, Emmeline suddenly vanished.

And came back looking like this:

Her head hurt, she explained. And then everything was better.

Wonder if that works for broken hearts? The cute little girl certainly does.

Weed Whacking...

2009-05-26T21:22:00.000-07:00

Check out how Scott encouraged Hudson to tackle our dandelion issue, the cheap AND eco-friendly way:

No joke... Who arms their 5 year old with a golf club and tells him to have at it?

Any other moms see a problem with this or am I just suddenly over cautious?

On a positive note, the weeds are now gone and I have to admit, it was done without complaints.

And I was even presented with my very own souvenir of the occasion.

Maybe it wasn't so bad of an idea after all.

You've Got to Check This Out!

2009-05-23T09:42:00.000-07:00

UPDATE: SEVEN down, 393 to go! :) Austin opened up his teenage mouth and said that there's no way I'd get to 500. He said if I get to 400, he'll stand out on a street corner with a giant Clickin Moms sign to get the last 100. I am now officially MORE than motivated. :)

My absolute FAVORITE photography resource, www.ClickinMoms.com, is offering a 10% off code for new members... I have honestly learned everything I need to know about photography by joining this amazing group. I've been a member for more than a year and their LOW subscription fee of $6 a month is the best investment I've made. Even with our finances as tight as they are, this is something I'm not parting with, simply because I learn SO much by reading through their forums.

I hope that you'll stop by and read what they're all about and then consider joining me there! Don't forget to enter the code FRIEND at checkout to receive your 10% discount. One more thing, be sure to visit the site through the "Rock Your Camera" link above so that my Clickin Moms account is credited with your visit.

A little bit of shameless puppy-dog eyed begging here... They're running a contest through the middle of June and I'm trying SO hard to reach my goal of 500 new members, which would earn me a new Canon Mark 5 and a slew of amazing gift cards which would be a HUGE blessing to our family. Of course, I would promptly trade the Canon for a new Nikon!!!!! Even if you're not interested in joining, if you're able to pass along the link and help me reach my goal, I would be forever indebted.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Consider Locks of Love, Especially Albertson's Shoppers!

2009-05-22T23:03:00.000-07:00

I recently decided to commit to whacking off my long hair and donating it to Locks of Love, a charity that I'm sure everyone can agree is absolutely worthwhile. I am thinking I need to grow it out just an inch or so before it is ready to be cut, but I am anxious to be able to help someone who is struggling. Reflecting on the kindness we've been shown since we lost the girls, I just knew that this was something that I was capable of doing and a way to positively affect the life of someone...

For those of you who might be unable to commit to cutting your hair, if you are an Albertson's shopper you can send an email to Locks of Love requesting a special key tag (think along the lines of your Preferred Card) and have it scanned each time you make a purchase at an Albertson's store. Albertson's has generously committed to donating 1% of the first $50,000 in purchases and 5% on everything over $50,000 to Locks of Love. I know that some of my couponing friends can really make a difference on this one! I was surprised when I had my card scanned for the first time today that my checker had never seen one of those tags! It sounds like there are plenty of Boise-area shoppers who might be able to contribute in this manner. Can you imagine how much money could potentially be donated?

I hope that you will consider emailing Volunteer@LocksofLove.org and asking them to send you one of their keytags. You will need to email your Albertson's KeyTag request along with your name and mailing address and Locks of Love will send your spiffy little card right out!

xooxxooxox

Our Thrifty Birthday Dinner...

2009-05-19T20:13:00.000-07:00

I have to admit that this is one of my favorite birthday parties and as I mentioned to my husband this afternoon, ironic in that I've spent more than my fair share of money on birthday parties. Emmeline's first birthday included ponies parading up and down our street... Need I say more?

With our income greatly diminished, I was forced to think about every single dollar that I spent on gifts and party decor for Sara Jane's birthday. I am proud to say that I accomplished gifts and decor on less than $40 this year!

Here's her birthday:

Heart shaped pancakes lovingly made by her daddy at midnight last night so that they'd be ready for breakfast this morning. I accessorized them with the traditional "special plate" that is, well - only reserved for specialness! She wore the "It's My Birthday" necklace and "Happy Birthday" crown to school today (both were from the dollar store in their 2 for $1 section).

The gerbera daisies were a bit of a splurge at 3 bunches for $12, but I used 2 $5 off your purchase coupons from my coupon shopping, making them $2 and well worth every penny of that!

While she was away at school, we transformed the kitchen into a girly wonderland:

The cute little battery operated chinese laterns were from the dollar store and we made the tissue flower poms hanging from the ceiling from our collection of tissue paper.

Our teenage son picked out the awesome pink polka dotted melamine glasses - they were a bargain at 2 for $1. We topped them off with some crazy straws.

I took out my great-grandmother's sterling silver flatware and my marked down Mikasa china and get this... I SPRAY PAINTED some extra gold chargers that I had from a few Christmases ago silver to match the new china. Oh my heck - I love spray paint!!! I know what you're thinking... "Sterling silver, china, melamine cups and crazy straws?!?!? Is SHE crazy?" Somehow, it just all worked for my ten year old girly girl.

We used ugly silk gerbera daisies as a napkin topper. They were sold for a dollar on some sort of weird bush, but we promptly cut them off and they were cute as can be! The fun party poppers are wrapped in butcher paper (which is good for EVERYTHING) and filled with bulk candy from the grocery store. The kids loved them.

The little kids baked the cupcakes today and while they're far from perfect, they were absolutely perfect and doesn't a cute cake stand just make everything wonderful?

My birthday girl got a bucket full of dollar store goodies and each of the siblings got a brown paper lunch bag cutely adorned with curled ribbon and filled with more dollar store party favors. While this was an extravagance, the kids really enjoyed it and I'm glad that I did it. The adorable flip flops in the bucket were FREE when my husband had to purchase a new pair - we got them during a buy one, get one free sale. By carefully planning our shopping, I was able to buy a top, a pair of shorts, a Hello Kitty beauty kit, a Camp Rock bracelet, a really cute watch, 2 matching sets of "unmentionables" and some fun bath accessories all for less than $22!!!!! Since we're still unemployed, Sara Jane really wasn't expecting any gifts, so I was thrilled to have these for her to open.

All in all, a pretty darn good birthday!

Happy, Happy Birthday My Beautiful Sara Jane...

2009-05-18T22:49:00.000-07:00

Today you turn 10... I couldn't be more proud of you.

Ten years ago today is forever engraved on my heart. I had never in my life seen anything more beautiful than your tiny little features and your gorgeous almond shaped eyes. I wanted, I needed a healthy, happy little Sara Jane to heal my broken heart and you've done that every single day since the moment I first laid eyes on you.

You are beautiful, both inside and out.

You are kind, always thinking of how you can brighten the lives of others.

You are fun and are your sibling's first choice of someone to lead them in their games.

You are loving, quick with affection and are always nurturing your younger brothers and sister, much to their delight and mine.

You are the light of my life... The most needed baby the Lord has ever blessed me with. I absolutely adore you, my Sara Jane.

Every day, you amaze me with your vast range of talents and abilities. You are smart and quick witted. You have such compassion for the people around you and you teach me daily about how to reach out and love others without reservation.

Ten is a big milestone in growing to adulthood, my peanut, and I have to admit that I worry about how things will change when you are ready to try things on your own. You see, a big fault of mine is that I really, really like to be the one with all of the answers - the one who is in charge. I know that those things aren't always true, but to this point you remain oblivious. I like it that way...

However, this isn't our Father in Heaven's plan for you. He intends for you to grow and leave me...

I wish that I knew what the next years would hold for you and I, but I want you to know that no matter how difficult it might be for me to watch you grow up and spread your wings, I love you from the very depths of my soul, even when the time comes that you will be certain that I am ruining your life. I know that there will be times that are rough, tempers that will be short and emotions that will overflow but no matter what, you are my special girl. Having you as my daughter is the greatest blessing of my life. I promise to always try to remind you of that...

Happy, happy birthday my peanut. I love you and I am so very proud of you...

xoxoxoxoxox,
Mom

Dear Albertson's,

2009-05-12T14:46:00.000-07:00

I HEART YOU! I most especially HEART Brad, the Grocery Manager from the Cherry Lane and Ten Mile store!!!!!

I apologize for all of the nasty things I've ever said about your company and I'm ashamed for saying that you are an "overpriced boutique grocery store". I take it all back.

THANK YOU for the really fun doubler coupons that you sent me in the newspaper for Mother's Day. I took my in-laws, my husband and my dad out shopping with me today and LOOK at what happened:

10 Mac and Cheese cups
3 Mac and Cheese pkgs
10 pasta salads
7 ranch dressings
13 bbq sauces
4 boxes of Cheerios
3 mayonnaise bottles
2 loaves of bread
2 A-1 Steak Marinades
3 Capri Suns
1 gallon of chocolate milk

Are you ready for this one? $12.44!!!!!! AND I received $6 back to use on a future shopping trip.

I am officially a couponer and I'm proud of it. I felt a strange sort of sisterhood with the other moms there toting their kiddos and their coupon binders! Albertson's, I love you.

PS - To those of you who noticed my blogging absence, I just find myself really struggling as the time gets closer when the twins should have been born. Mother's Day was really a hurdle for me and I'm trying SO hard to keep up with the tide of emotions that I feel throughout the day. This has been the most difficult thing I have ever faced, coupled with the stress of unemployment. Your prayers are so very appreciated and I honestly believe that they're the only thing causing me to breathe some days. Thanks so much for your love and support. xoxoxoxo

A Great Sale on Really Great Bows...

2009-05-05T13:43:00.000-07:00

If you have a little girl in your life, you absolutely must check out the sale that my dear friend Jennifer is running right now at Bowdacious Baby.

I have purchased many different bows from Jenn in the past and she does an amazing job. She has a very good eye for patterns and her bows are always made to perfection. I've never found stray glue chunks on anything she's made for me and the loops on the bows are always identical. You all know that I make lots of bows for my girlies, but during this sale it's not worth pulling the glue gun and the ribbon out!

Today....

2009-05-04T09:52:00.001-07:00

I am going to dig deep and see if I can find the courage to return the cases of diapers that are sitting in my garage - all of the preemie and newborn diapers that were stockpiled for the girls... Everyone in this family sacrificed their personal wants so that we could build up a supply for the twins. No guarantees that I will be brave enough to do it. More than likely, it will take everything I've got left just to be able to tell Scott that he can return them for me.

I don't understand why this is so hard. Why I feel so terribly alone and forsaken... I suppose that this is my fourth watch and I know that I am not alone - I just feel that way. I'm sure that it's because with each day I creep closer to the time that they should be here with me.

Those diapers have got to go. They're a constant daily vigil to my dream that I so unceremoniously awoke from - staring at me every day when I open the garage door... I just wonder how painful it will be for me when they're not there. Every single one of these seemingly simple acts is devastating to me... An acknowledgement that they won't be coming home.

Wish me luck and faith.

xoxoxoxo

I'll Probably Be In Trouble...

2009-04-27T20:35:00.000-07:00

I might be in trouble with his mom for doing this, but I'm doing it anyhow because it just rocks. OK, well that and she's probably aware that I think her son is H O T hot. I think she might have caught onto that one about 14 years ago. I really like this guy, through our second month of unemployment, five kids and a lot of growing up together.

This is for Tuesdays Unwrapped at Chatting at the Sky. I am absolutely cracking up at my cleverness right now. Tuesdays... Unwrapped... Get it?

Of course I see the irony in this, taking into consideration my reaction to the girls suddenly discovering MY son! I think my mother-in-law's exact words would be "Oh you just wait honey... Your time is coming!".

But, this is a little "to me from me" Mother's Day present. This is absolutely going next to my side of the bed! Come to think of it, telling him it was my Mother's Day present was the only way I could get him to do it. I wanted something that was a tad bit intimate without being distasteful. I am, after all, very conservative in my wildness. So - do you think like 20x24 in canvas is too much?!?!

I hope my dad doesn't read this blog though... Man - I hope SCOTT doesn't read this blog. I'm not sure he'd approve. Although I think he's secretly pleased that I still think he's H O T hot and my own personal pin-up boy.

You know you love the shoes, right? Charles Jourdans from the thrift store. $5 and never been worn! Why the heck else would I own a pair of leopard shoes?? It was a good day at the thrift store the day the Neiman Marcus shoe-fiend lady dropped these off for me to discover! Happiness. Along with 2 brand new pairs of Donald J Pilner $410 shoes. They're delicious. I absolutely adore the freedom that buying $5 shoes affords me. I can guarantee you that I'd never in my life own a pair of $400 leopard heels otherwise. And then I wouldn't have this picture, which I am completely adoring.

What a guy...

Dear Brump & Sue,

2009-04-27T17:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Brump & Sue,

Thank you for the giganto box of individual packs of chips you brought us when you came to visit last week. The 30 assorted packages of crunchy yumminess didn't last for long, but once they were gone, we put the box to good use this morning in the kitchen. As you can see below, we had a grand ole time stuffing ourselves into the box after the big kids had gone to school.

Love,
Hudson and Emmie

Giveaway at A Familiar Path

2009-04-26T09:01:00.000-07:00

Oh how I love a fun giveaway!! I came across a really great one at A Familiar Path.

250 greeting cards from www.uprinting.com!

My mind is spinning with the possibilities... A nice photo of our family, Christmas cards, something just graphic with our monogram??

You should probably enter...

Let Them Eat Cake...

2009-04-25T20:43:00.001-07:00

The best medicine for someone as doggone blue as I was today is definitely chocolate, right?

Look what Scott so sweetly made up for me tonight:

Straight out of a box and ever so delicious. That boy has some talent.

I have to say that the best part was deciding to say yes to sprinkles. Don't they make everything just a little bit better? I should always approve of sprinkles, no matter how bad they look. They brought so much happiness to some little people tonight.

Scott even took our picture, just to prove that he could operate the camera... Someone should have told me to put on some make-up.

A great time was had in my kitchen... Oh how I love batter-covered faces that are grinning from ear to ear.

PS to my mother-in-law: Don't you DARE tell those big kids who are spending the night at your house that they missed out on the sprinkle fun. I'll never hear the end of it.

xoxoxoxo

Oh wow...

2009-04-25T18:58:00.001-07:00

Today was a rough, rough day... It's the first one that I've had in quite awhile, which is something that I am proud of, but today was certainly black.

I should preface this with a quick explanation - the pollen count is really kicking up around here because we had a few very warm days, which in turn caused my asthma to be really bad last night. With the two intubations that I've had as an adult, I try very hard to stay in control of my asthma because I have a hunch that the kids would be disappointed if I left them alone with their dad. He doesn't have much fashion sense...

I digress...

The difficulty breathing kept me up for most of the night and I think the lack of sleep affected my coping skills today ------

because I've thought about the twins all day. Not my normal thoughts of having them here in the house as babies, but thoughts of them as grown girls. Wondering how a boy would ever choose one of them over the other... Trying to decide if their children would more closely resemble their twin's children than any of my other future grandchildren... Wondering why I would allow myself to think these thoughts...

And then I thought about something that I haven't allowed myself to feel since it happened...

I thought about sitting alone on the ultrasound table while Scott went to bring the kids in for what we thought would be a routine ultrasound that day. We wanted to share the moment with them and allow them the opportunity to "see" the babies. They were so excited. My anxiety began to grow...

Even though I've been through many ultrasounds, the grief of seeing a heart not beating with our baby Tanner is still very close to me even though it was 11 years ago. I had that feeling with me that terrible Thursday.

Today without much sleep to temper my feelings, I thought of it again.

I thought about how moments before the twin's ultrasound that day I prayed, "Dear Lord - please let the babies be alright". I thought about how he answered me... That they were alright, that they were with Him. I felt all over again how the room began to sink away from me because I knew before the ultrasound even began what the outcome was going to be. How I prayed not to scream and terrify the kids... How I wanted more than anything to realize that I just hadn't woken up that morning. How the ultrasound technician who just a few months before had given me the joyous news of TWO was telling the doctor with an emotional voice, "B, probably yesterday - A, today". The point at which they had suddenly and silently ceased to be mine in this life.

My poor Scott will probably read this and tell me that this story is too dark to write, but the blog has been so good for me.

I can look back and see all of the joyful things in my life and realize that days like today are few and far in between.

And so I'll blog this too, so that if and when another day like this comes along again, I can be reminded of how I made it through today... So that when my kids face hard days they might know that I can tell them with certainty that tomorrow will be better.

xoxoxoxo

Goggles Galore...

2009-04-24T19:49:00.000-07:00

Look what we found during a quick stop at Goodwill today! Brand new in the package Speedo swim goggles for $.99. Seems like they're at the top of everyone's "want list" come summertime, so I snapped them up.

When I heard squeals coming from the bathtub tonight I went in to inspect. This is what I discovered... For the amount of fun that was had in my bathroom tonight, I don't even care if the goggles make it to summer.

The Ugly Duckling Kitchen Table...

2009-04-24T08:16:00.001-07:00

These are snippets from previous posts about our kitchen table project, but I thought that I would wrap the whole process up into one nice little package!

This is our before table... Used and abused by 5 children, not really my favorite when we bought it ten years ago, but fit into the budget and the need for space. I'll admit that it was ugly, even in it's heyday.

Upon closer inspection, you would find that a chair is completely missing because the back broke... It's partner is not far behind.

Before Scott was laid off, my plan was to buy some nice black chairs and just paint the table black to match. Tables that seat eight are EXPENSIVE people!

After his job loss however, time is about all that we have an abundance of. And perhaps courage, because one day, after I don't know how long of me asking to paint that table, Scott boldly proclaimed "You know what? I think we should paint that table... It's really pretty beat up!". Like the good wife that I am, I told him that was a brilliantly creative idea.

He did some research on the painting process and decided to go with some primer, a black enamel paint and then polyurethane for a nice durable finish.

The next problem however was that I wasn't sure how to go about remedying the chair situation. There was absolutely no way I was going to run out to try to find replacement ugly chairs.

In came the idea of using mismatched chairs and unifying them all by painting them black. We scavenged the house and garage for what we already had and then supplemented that with a little trip to the thrift store. I have to be honest here - two of these chairs I NEVER would have purchased... My 13 year old son picked them out. They are my absolute favorites now that they are painted.

It was a solid week of work, mostly due to me losing interest after the 3rd day - it was Scott's idea to paint that darn table anyhow, remember? Anyhow, it is BEAUTIFUL! I can't believe how long we lived with it's ugliness!

We have immensly enjoyed the "new" table and it's been so fun to dress it up for special occasions like Easter and Sara Jane's 10th birthday:

HER

2009-04-23T12:47:00.000-07:00

I am obsessed with my kids...

I am obsessed with sports...

That makes this story almost as simple as 2+2=4.

Austin plays on the 7th grade basketball team for his middle school. I obviously am the crazed mother in the front row, wringing my hands together, screaming "DEFENSE AUS!" at the top of my lungs and jumping up to my feet to will a swoosh each time he shoots the ball. Free throws become this terrible agony as I sit with both hands resting on the top of my head. I am a FAN. Heck, I even more than half-heartedly cheer for the other kids on his team (unless they just subbed in for him and then I boo them in my mind...).

I am serious about supporting my son. My first-born... He whose first breath took my breath away. Did I mention that I really love this kid?

Which brings me to the point of this story... I asked Austin a few weeks ago if I embarassed him with my volume and animation at his games because I noticed that I was the only mom toting in her own pom-poms. He said no, but he would prefer if I didn't scream "GO BEEPER!!!!!!" throughout the entire game. Apparently he doesn't feel that the nickname will help his all important 7th grade reputation.

In a moment of self-censorship at his last game (that means I was quiet for long enough to actually take in what was going on around me), I heard it... What might as well be the end of my entire life...

"COME ON AUSTIN! YOU CAN DO IT!".

I clutched at my chest and I am 100% certain that my head swiveled completely around on my neck searching for whence that horrid sound had come from... Scott literally grabbed my hand.

"Did you HEAR THAT?!?!?!", I screeched at Scott. He only chuckled.

Today is an away game for Aus and so help me, if she TRAVELS to watch his games I'm taking her out.

A Renewal...

2009-04-22T18:42:00.000-07:00

Along with our yard coming back to life with Spring in full glory, I feel as if a haze is slowly lifting from me and I am slowly becoming someone better than who I was before we lost the twins... As if I have spent the better part of my adult life without truly being able to see things, and now for the first time things are sharply in focus.

I still have moments, probably almost daily, when I ache for our girls... In my mother's heart, they should be here with me, in all of their pink perfection and not just a dream that has passed and left me knowing it was too good to be true.

Today I felt a tad bit sad (which I keep reminding myself is perfectly normal) and at times like that I am certain that I am pushing the limits of my faith, but when I ask of Him, there is a constant renewal of my spirit.

"Men are that they might have joy"... Joy that is mine to claim if I will but open my heart to it. Joy in things that I've always seen, but never truly appreciated.

I would be ungrateful if I didn't accept the tenderness of the Lord in moments such as these. He holds my precious ones dear and because of Him, I will yet hold them in my own arms.

This day, I am thankful for the beauty of Spring captured in my own backyard and the promise of renewal.

xoxoxoox

Ooooo - Another Visitor!

2009-04-22T09:19:00.000-07:00

This one however, is much more welcome that the hawk. Remember him?

Look who came to visit today! He was foraging for the sunflower seeds that the birds had thrown off of the feeder and finding a bounty in between the rocks that line our trees. Can I just tell you how long I've wanted my very own squirrel??? What a treat. I just might have to go buy him some peanuts...

In Honor of Earth Day

2009-04-22T08:17:00.001-07:00

In honor of Earth Day, I share these scenes from yesterday with you... Scott riding his bike down to the grocery store for a few needed items instead of wasting gas. Heck, if I know Scott, he probably PRODUCED some.

My favorite part is that Emmeline demanded that the Boise State flag be put on her chariot. That's my girl!

Also, I'm trying harder to recycle, repurpose and reuse. It makes me think of the Depression-Era adage, "Use it up. Wear it out. Make it do or do without." Especially on something like clothing which is so quickly outgrown or given up in favor of something new. Which brings me to another thrift store dress... She shed her little denim jacket because she told me setting up the bikes was HARD WORK and she got hot. :)

Mom My Ride...

2009-04-22T07:37:00.000-07:00

This has to be one of the funniest videos I've ever seen and I have to say that I'm not a huge fan of wasting time with YouTube. There are so many other things I'd rather waste time on... However, this one was enough to change my mind and make me want to share it with you.

I saw it while reading this post at Pretty Organized Palace. The house was entirely quiet because the school kids are gone and the young ones are still sleeping, but I laughed SO hard that I woke them up. That's a pretty good laugh, right?

As said by the Pretty Organizer:

Zima drink?... I have not clue what that is so if it wrecks homes or leads to Drunken Mothers Syndrome... I do not endorse the product.

Then I went immediately out to the garage to snap these pictures. A little disclaimer here - the back row seat is NEVER folded down. We have kids who sit back there! I had to fold it down to transport my lights to the photo shoot the other day and I was appalled when I saw what the crack in this seat looked like! Who knows how long those little dried tidbits have been stuck there, concealed by the seat always being in the upright position? I did what any reasonable mother would do when I unloaded the camera gear -------- I folded it right back up and told my husband!

Then just because the whole thing with the side mirror being duct-taped back on in the video, I had to share the two things broken on the truck that irritate the heck out of me. You see, those same little kiddos who so cleverly stuffed all of their leftover food in the far recesses of the seat also like to climb into their seats from the back window. Using what used to be the back windshield wiper as a handle, because you know they have short legs... Until it snapped off. Cost of a new one? $100. Scott says "FORGET about it!". Really people, I can't see through that back window anyhow!

Which brings me to the last thing that makes my truck a little quirky (besides the way that kids come rolling out of it like some sort of clown car)... Once the destruction to the windshield wiper had been complete, Hudson needed something else to hold his attention, so he diligently worked on popping off the rear window defrosters for me... As Scott says, my truck is never out in the driveway to get frosted, so what am I worried about?

Oh how I COVET a clean, crumb free, organized truck. I envy those of you with the fortitude to do it!

Unwrapped Tuesday...

2009-04-21T08:24:00.000-07:00

I had to pick only one post of enjoying life as it is for "Unwrapped Tuesday" over at one of my favorite blogs, Chatting at the Sky.

For some reason, the mundane task of putting Corban on the bus each day seemed to foot the bill for me. It is something that I normally do without much thought, until last week when I stopped to actually think about it. You can read it here.

The Great American Pasttime

2009-04-20T20:51:00.000-07:00

After a yummy dinner tonight, we all walked down the street to our neighborhood park for a little game of baseball.

I am really appreciating these simple pleasures even more. There is so much to be grateful for, even in hard times... If Scott is still unemployed at this time next month, I might not be so brave, but I am very thankful to realize that the most beautiful and worthwhile things can't be purchased, can't be mortgaged, can't be financed... I am so blessed to know now that those things are meaningless to me and for the first time in my life to be able to truthfully say that. I'm sure if Scott lost his job in December, before we lost the twins, I wouldn't be able to take the hardships that we face now. I would have thought that a job loss was the worst thing that could happen. It's absolutely not.

Off of my soapbox now... I was just thinking about how the fun of the baseball game and the joy of seeing all of my children enjoying themselves so much with their grandparents and aunt and her boyfriend Clay really affected me tonight...

As we did this tonight, with my kids all wearing at least one hand-me-down or thrift store find each (come to think of it, Scott too!) and having some good ole fashion FREE fun, the irony of who I was before this time in my life struck me like a ton of bricks. A year ago, I thought not very much of going to Gymboree and spending what now amounts to our entire unemployment check in cute clothing for the kids... Every two weeks probably. All for THEM, right? Were they any happier? Absolutely not. I realize now that it was all in an effort to keep up with appearances. To keep up with what I perceived as my "Great American Pasttime". What I've learned is that with a tiny bit of thought and a little bit of time, the kids look every bit as beautiful in their thrift store outfits as they did in the $80 outfits... And I feel so much better about myself. Until I think of all of that money that should be in my bank account and instead was wasted.

This new perspective is the silver lining to our current situation. A mighty change of heart. What a blessing, even though it is a hard thing.

Bring on the Placemats!

2009-04-20T20:47:00.000-07:00

I still can't get over my excitement over these darn placemats! We hosted my parents and my sister and her boyfriend for dinner tonight and it was so fun to set such a bright table.

It's a tight squeeze when we have that many people, but I sure am glad to have a table big enough to fit 9, albeit without much elbow room. Fortunately, we have a counter area in the kitchen that serves as overflow and with my abundance of placemats, we were able to set it just as cute.

I am a lucky girl.

My FAVORITE Thrift Store Find...

2009-04-20T08:55:00.001-07:00

I am still on "Cloud Nine" about this one... No - I don't post it just to make you drool (although I am still drooling), I post this to share what an amazing find I made at Savers the other day!

The kids are badly in need of some new placemats and in keeping with the "mismatched is interesting" theme, I cruised down the linens aisle at the thrift store the other day. I figured I might be able to find 2 or maybe 3 placemats that would be acceptable and would at least make a start on a collection for the kiddos.

As Emmeline and I turned down the aisle, we saw an employee with a big cart overflowing with placemats and fabric napkins. Intrigued by the really great colors, I stopped to look in the cart as he was painstakingly attaching each individual placemat to a hanger. "You're not going to find any matching placemats in here" he announced as I started digging. I explained to him that the kids would take more pleasure in being able to choose their own individual placemats at dinner anyhow and that mismatched was fine for my purposes, I just wanted CLEAN placemats. He said "Well, I'll tell you what then... I'll sell you this entire cart for $30. It would save me from having to hang them all up!". I grabbed the cart and his handwritten tag before he could change his mind. After all, I had a 30% off my entire purchase coupon that a kind woman had given me when she saw my cart full of summer clothes for the kids!! That made the 82 placemats and matching napkins $20 for the whole cart...

As best as I can figure, these were some sort of salesman's samples, because each placemat and napkin had a sticker attached with item numbers and pricing along with the pattern name. All I know is that I am in LOVE with them. It will be so fun to set the table...

My First Paying Job!

2009-04-20T08:42:00.001-07:00

With the financial hit our family is taking on unemployment (did you know that they won't give you a raise, no matter HOW excellent of a job you're doing on unemployment?), it is more than time to make some of my hobbies start to be contributing members of this family. As such, the sewing machine is humming again, the hot glue gun is fired up and glueing hairbows and the really nice hand-me-down camera and Photoshop is working overtime!

These are from my first PAYING photoshoots ever on Saturday! I have four more lined up just from a little bit of Facebook sharing.

Thank you Tracy and Sandy! I hope you love the pictures as much as I do. I had a wonderful time with your children!!!

PS - I just noticed that Blogger cropped these a little strange. I will do my best to get them resized correctly. :)

A Really Great Saturday...

2009-04-20T07:40:00.001-07:00

We had such wonderful weather Saturday that a little bit of outdoor fun was in order. Boise has a really fantastic trail system that runs along the Boise River for something like 28 miles through town. It is all paved, very scenic and family friendly. It's better known as the Greenbelt because of the trees that grow along the banks of the river.

Scott loaded up everyone's bikes (except for the youngest two, who happily ride in the trailer) and we drove downtown for a few picnic supplies and then to start our journey. We determined our turn-around point to be the dirt bike park that is about 5 miles out from downtown.

No sooner did we get out to picnic when I realized that I would never make it on this bike ride without a sweatshirt... The wind coming off of the river was a little bit colder than what I anticipated. Luckily, we were able to ride our bikes to a thrift store just slightly off of the Greenbelt and picked up a sweatshirt for me, a pair of great Aeropostale jeans for SJ, a brand new pair of Old Navy shorts for Corban, a really fantastic pair of cargo shorts for Scott AND this little gem:

As soon as Emmeline saw it in all of it's pink glory, we knew it had to be hers. Scott was less than thrilled because if it didn't fit in the bike trailer, he would probably be the one to have to carry it on his handlebars. No price was marked and I was half hoping that the clerk would say something outrageous like $8 so that I could asuage some of the guilt I would feel for not getting it for Emmie. No. "How about a dollar?" was his reply. Of COURSE we had to get it. I was prepared to bungee cord it to the top of the bike trailer! Luckily it fit just perfectly on Em's lap in the trailer and had the added benefit of keeping her hands too busy to pick on her trailer-mate Hudson. Not one scream out of either of them the entire day! BONUS!

No post on bike riding would be complete without this:

I've had this bike for 5 years and it is amazing!!!!! As we were pulling the bikes out to load them up, I thought about how spending money on a good bike for me and Scott (and a great bike trailer) was one of the best things we've spent money on. The kids are fine with WalMart bikes because they outgrow them and let's face it - they can pedal anything! I, however, am old and pedaling a difficult bike would quickly bring our adventures to an end. I highly, highly recommend getting yourself a nice bike. The year we bought it, the bike was my Valentine's, birthday and anniversary present and it was well worth the money. Just do it - get yourself an Electra.

That brings us to the adventures at the dirt bike park. Corban is our newest bike rider, but boy all the way through. He climbed that giant hill that starts the bike run without a second thought...

And pushed off...

And bailed at the first uphill...

But he went back to the top and tried again. After all, Austin made it look SO cool!

Corban got closer and closer until he was finally able to make it over the first uphill...

So he bravely went back up to the top of the hill to try an even bigger run:

And back up the top of the first hill...

And then it happened. The big one.

And Corban's dirt biking was done for the day:

It was a great day though and we saw 8 miles of the Greenbelt once our ride was over. I am so proud of Corban and Sara Jane for being able to pedal so far!!!!!

And for Hudson and Emmie for being such good trailer-mates.

And to Scott for making sure that all of the little ones had their helmets, tires were fully pumped and loading and unloading all of those bikes!!!

I can't wait to do it again... Thank you honey!

A New Floatie Swimsuit...

2009-04-18T17:12:00.000-07:00

We had to stop at a thrift store for an emergency sweatshirt for me today while out on our bike ride (more about that tonight), but while we were there, we found one of those "less than beautiful but a really great invention" swimsuits for Emmeline. You know the kind - the ones with the built-in floaties that makes the kids look as if they belong at Muscle Beach. I would have eaten worms before I had ever let Austin or Sara Jane wear such a thing... After all those things are made for moms who don't watch their kids, right?

El-wrongo straight arrow...

Those things are made for moms who have too many kids! Now I see the beauty in them. Anyhow - we bought one for Hudson the summer we had Roaring Springs passes because I toted a 3,2 and 1 year old there by myself... It was well worth the peace of mind of at least knowing if someone saw him in his bright yellow muscle suit somewhere that he didn't belong that they should probably pull him out of the water. That summer was a blur of swim diapers for me.

Now that the youngest kids are older and more likely to not run off and jump into a deep pool, I couldn't bring myself to spending the $20 for one of these suits for Em. I just really can't spend money on something I think is so ugly!

When we were in the thrift store however (on half off clothing day!!), this pink floatie swimwsuit in a size 3T was right there on the end of the rack asking to come home with us. For $2! I couldn't be more pleased...

Until I went into the bathroom to get Emmie out of the tub after spaghetti dinner and found her trying it out in my tub. And Hudson making spit wads out of toilet paper. And spitting water at her.

Did I mention that I think I might have too many kids?

Sara Jane at the Old Farmhouse...

2009-04-18T09:01:00.001-07:00

I got brave and talked Scott into helping me try out the barn that we found at sunset. He was even kind enough to pack up the battery that operates my lights and two of my lights. I've been wanting to do that for quite awhile and just lacked the confidence.

I have to say, it helps to have such a beautiful subject. Sara Jane makes these pictures come to life. She claims to be tired of being tortured by me with the camera though, so I may have to start chasing another child. :)

Daily Torture for the Pre-K Crowd...

2009-04-17T12:27:00.001-07:00

Every week day, there is a ritual of torture for Hudson and Emmie. Like clockwork, every Monday through Friday they are made to suffer.

At 12:20, Corban waits for the school bus.

At 12:23 his cheery bus driver picks him up in the big yellow torture machine, oblivious to the pain that she is inflicting upon those too small to climb it's steps.

Inevitably every day, Emmie screams for one more kiss as the doors are closing...

And together Hudson and Em chase after the bus as it pulls away.

All the way down to the first corner...

Where day after day, they turn around and come home dejected.

Next year my sweet Hudson, I will chase after the bus and come home dejected as you drive away.

It is BEAUTIFUL Today...

2009-04-17T12:17:00.000-07:00

Oh how I love Spring!!!! I love it, love it, love it. Today everyone is able to wear shorts, capris or even sundresses.

We're going to take advantage of the gorgeous weather while we can!